Love Triangles: Exploring the Three Core Components of Love

In 1986, Dr. Robert Sternberg published a research article titled A Triangular Theory of Love, in which he identified three core components of love: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. According to Sternberg, all close relationships are shaped and developed through these three interconnected elements. We know that love isn’t just a feeling, but a verb, an intentional act that can be strengthened. In this series, I’ll explore each of the three components of love and share simple, thoughtful ways that you can deepen your relationship. 

Intimacy

Intimacy, the word itself sounds vulnerable, describing an act of closeness that requires you to share parts of yourself that perhaps you haven’t shared before. Intimacy can be used to describe emotional closeness or physical closeness but for the purpose of this exploration, we will define intimacy as Sternberg described it: “feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness within a relationship”. I would describe intimacy as being fully seen by another person. Intimacy is not about fantasy or projecting your desires on another person; it’s honest, raw, and unfiltered. We don’t often allow ourselves to be fully seen by others, but in our romantic partnerships, one of the strongest threads of connection is that sense that the other person understands you fully, and loves even the parts of you that make you want to shrink inside. Developing this kind of intimacy is an intentional practice that must be continuously tended to. 

Bonding Basics

Developing deep emotional bonds with our partner(s) requires consistent practices that allow each partner a space to express their thoughts, feelings, and dreams for the future. Developing daily routines to check in with your partner enables each of you to feel seen and heard. The routines you develop do not need to be elaborate, although they should be intentional. You could try taking 15-20 minutes after arriving home to set aside distractions (and I do, in fact, mean put your phone down) and talk to each other about how your day went, the highs and lows, and how those events made you feel. Ask questions and lean into curiosity about the experiences your partner had. If the end of the day is a tough time for you to connect because of other responsibilities, think about devoting some time before you go to bed or in the morning over coffee. These moments will give you all the information you need to move into the next step.

Lean into curiosity. While I strongly encourage time for daily check-ins, I also think it's important to remember what you learned during those check-ins and get curious about your partner (s) experience. If your partner talked about a meeting they were preparing for, or a job coming up later in the week, remember it and ask them how it went. This attention to detail shows your partner that you were listening and that you really care about their life. You can also get curious about other parts of your partner’s life. Ask them about their dreams, what they do on their lunch break, or their hobbies. Developing curiosity about your partner, regardless of how long you have been together, will likely reveal things about them that you didn’t know before. 

Enhancing Intimacy

While we all wish that developing intimacy was as easy as taking 15-20 minutes a day to intentionally learn about your partner, sadly, it does take more than that. Research indicates that feelings of connectedness and bondedness often stem from vulnerability. Men, if you’re reading this, don’t stop now. I know that the word vulnerability often evokes a number of different emotional reactions. For many of us, vulnerability is scary, embarrassing, and seems like a risk that isn’t worth taking. I get that, but the alternative to vulnerability is never being fully known, loved, or understood. 

The person that you are in a relationship with should be a sanctuary that allows you to be every version of yourself without fear. In order to develop the kind of relationship where you can be authentic, you have to risk being vulnerable first. In order to enhance the intimacy in your relationship, you must freely share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. This means being able to express not just the positive emotions and thoughts, but the tough ones as well. You should be able to tell your partner that something upset you or hurt your feelings while remaining respectful and open to hearing their thoughts. When one partner is able to freely express their thoughts and feelings, and the other partner engages with them in a positive way it deepens the connection between them. Lean into the curiosity we discussed earlier and work to understand what your partner is expressing rather than just listening to respond. If you can move past the fear and truly show up as yourself in your relationship, there is no limit to the depth of intimacy that you can experience together. 

We all just want to be seen and loved for who we truly are. The risk of saying the awkward, scary, vulnerable thing is worth the reward of being met with compassion, empathy, and understanding. If your partner isn’t able to meet you there, well…..that’s a different blog. 

If you’d like to join a virtual workshop that will allow you to begin focusing on your relationship(s) please review this workshop.