Why Grief Feels So Lonely, And What Helps?
The loss of a child is something that no one ever prepares for. It goes against the cycle of life that society has come to expect. When preparing for a child, the expectation is for them to grow into old age, and that the parents will die. However, that’s not the reality for some parents. And at times, when this type of loss occurs, parents can find themselves grieving alone, isolating themselves when they need connection and support.
Different Types of Isolation in Parental Grief
Disenfranchised grief is what occurs when grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. This can be seen when there is the loss of a pregnancy, and even a stillbirth. These types of losses are still essential to acknowledge. Still, for some, it can be challenging to understand the importance of the need for support, a grieving ritual such as a funeral, memorial service, or whatever else your culture or religious beliefs might use to embrace a family when a death has occurred. Well meaning comments such as ‘well at least you could get pregnant,’ or ‘you can always try again,’ are dismissive of the loss and instead of finding comfort in this can make a parent feel isolated in their grief, as if the miscarriage or stillbirth wasn’t essential or their grief is valid due to searching for a ‘silver lining’ during their time of sorrow.
When there is the loss of a child, there can be a disruption in parental identity. Being a parent is a deeply held part of a person's identity. When a death has occurred, a parent can begin to question themselves and what their role is. When the death is neonatal, it can cause even more internal turmoil within a grieving parent, wondering if they still get to claim the title of parent, even without a child. For a parent with living children, questions can arise, such as Do I count my deceased child as one of my children? For example, do I say I have four children, even though one has died, or do I have three children because that’s how many I’m raising? This internal conflict and questioning of one’s role and identity can, in turn, cause parents to feel a sense of isolation as they begin to explore their life without their child.
Due to the low likelihood of a person experiencing the death of a child in today’s society, parents can experience social withdrawal as they begin to navigate. The rituals, comforting phrases, and processes that are connected with the death of an adult are different from those that are connected with the death of a child. A child’s death is not common, it’s not expected, and when it occurs, parents can find that friends and family are also at a loss for how to support a grieving parent. Within this unfamiliar space, friends and family can attempt to comfort in ways they would when an adult dies, and it can cause a grieving parent to withdraw. Things such as ‘everything happens for a reason,’ ‘be grateful for the time you had together,’ ‘they are at peace now,’ etc. While some might find these comforting, for others, it can be debilitating and dismissive of their grief, causing the parent to withdraw into themselves more.
The Importance of Connection and Validation
Using empathy instead of sympathy with a grieving parent and giving them emotional validation is key. Empathy takes the stance of 'I am so sorry this happened; I am here to sit with you in this.' Sympathy, however, is an unhelpful phrase, implying that at least you can have children. Giving a grieving parent the space to experience their grief and not as if they are in a rush to move through it opens up the space for the emotional validation they are seeking. Their child has died, and there is no fixing this fact. It is something a grieving parent has to live with. When their emotions are validated and their grief is acknowledged, a grieving parent will be able to experience that connection when they need it during one of the, if not the, darkest times of their life.
Finding a peer or community support group with other bereaved parents can help with the sense of isolation that parents feel after they have experienced the death of a child. To be able to talk openly with someone who has experienced the death of a child can help with being able to process what has happened with someone else who has experienced this unimaginable loss. Connecting with parents who are further out in their grief can also empower newly bereaved parents in finding ways they, too, can honor the life of their child.
Participating in commemorative practices can help with a parent’s grief after the loss of a child. In some religions, there are time frames for when a person might participate in such ceremonies. When there has been a neonatal death, reaching out to a religious leader and requesting a ceremony to be held in honor of the deceased child can help parents have the sense that their child is being put to rest, instead of their child’s life not being important enough.
Professional interventions can help parents not feel isolated. Working with a licensed professional in an individual setting to begin to process the loss and the impact grief has had on a parent’s life can help a parent feel seen and have validation. A clinician can start to assist with identifying and working with the parent as they begin to navigate their new life without their child and the complex emotions involved with their experience. Working with a grief group can also aid in the grieving process, as parents are connected and able to find a community in a safe space to share their experiences openly. With focused goals and direction, it can help parents obtain a sense of community while also being able to sit and say I cannot believe this happened to us. Grieving is not something that can be cured; it is a lifelong process, but by building mindfulness and knowledge, it can help a parent as they learn about the new life they have to live after the death of their child.
Our grief group exists so you don’t have to go through this alone. Sign up here.
