Healing Abandonment Issues

We often hear the words, “abandonment issues” however, I suspect that many of us don’t have a clue what that means or what that entails.

So, let me begin by explaining what the symptoms of having abandonment issues are.

Typically symptoms of abandonment include:

• Fear of / reluctance to initiate plans with other people

• You attach to people to quickly or too soon

• You easily find flaws in potential mates

• You may frequently find yourself sabotaging your relationships or success

• You expect perfection (from yourself or others)

• You over react to feedback and view many things as an attack

• You have a tendency to people please

• And you struggle to make or create a commitment

That’s a pretty thorough list because my aim is to show how inclusive this issue really is.

I suspect that the majority of us have varying degrees of abandonment. The difference for many of us is how they manifest themselves. Many of us have friends who have sworn off relationships (because the fear of getting hurt is too bad). Maybe you  have friends who just can’t get it together professionally (because the fear of being successful is HUGE), and the list goes on.

There is a whole continuum out there of attachment issues and what those look like.

There are so many factors that can lead to someone having abandonment issues.

This is not an all-inclusive list but I want to provide you with some understanding of how abandonment issues begin:

• Early childhood trauma

• Problematic family upbringing

• Dysfunctional family of origin

• Emotionally unavailable guardians

• Narcissistic caretakers, birth trauma

• Exposure to physical or mental illness

• History of low self esteem

• Any level of abuse or neglect

It’s crucial to keep in mind that abandonment issues are simply a maladaptive coping skill, born out of a desire and need to protect yourself and keep yourself safe.

Safety is typically our highest priority, so in order to keep ourselves safe, some of us have put barriers in the way of creating deep attachment. I’m all for safety, but I would love to be able to help empower you to create a sense of safety while having healthy and fulfilling relationships, as well as successful careers. Here are a few  suggestions to begin to create that sense of safety and heal those abandonment issues: 

1.     Get Clear On The Origin:  As painful as this may be, and as much as it sucks, in this case it’s important to have the knowledge of where this started and why

I’m not typically a fan of digging up all of your history and examining it for the sake of saying we did. But in this case, it makes healing abandonment issues just that much more challenging if you don’t know who or how it appeared in your life.

Spend some time figuring out how it came to be and why. NOT in a critical or judgmental fashion, but simply just from the ability to notice and allow healing to begin. All that is necessary to begin this healing is to acknowledge your past hurts. The key here is to notice what happened, where it came from, and how it is impacting you today. 

2.     Validate Your Own Feelings and Emotions: This is such a crucial missing piece in our world today.

So many of us are looking to people outside of ourselves for validation that our feelings, emotions, or experiences were accurate. This is a huge mistake. We are better served to recognize that our feelings are valid because they are ours, however that doesn’t guarantee that they are accurate.

I’m going to share a radically unpopular opinion: I don’t believe that negative feelings exist. I think all feelings are worthy of being felt and experienced. I’m not encouraging you to take up permanent residence in rage, but I think if you are feeling frustrated or angry it’s worthy of being felt.

The problem with feelings isn’t that they exist. It’s what we do with them. When we resist or ignore feelings and emotions, and suppress them, it just makes them grow stronger and more determined to be experienced. 

3.     Create a Positive Support System: I think the biggest mistakes many of us make is that we attempt to battle the world on our own. And I’m pretty sure we weren’t designed or created to do this deal on our own.

Every living and breathing being is worthy of having positive social support. And interesting tidbit, is that many of my clients have found that while focusing on building a social support system, their anxiety has actually reduced. Take a few moments and look around you: who constantly lifts you up, who consistently supports you, who is in your corner?

If you don’t currently have what you want in a positive social support system it’s probably time to develop one. The best way to start is by inviting people into your circle that have characteristics that you admire or desire to develop. Invite them to coffee or to get together on zoom (because Covid is still a part of our lives while I’m writing this).  Take the risk of being vulnerable and allow people to get to know you.

4.     Acknowledge Your Strengths: I mean this one very seriously!

You have so many strengths simply because you are still alive and breathing. We typically grossly underestimate the good stuff about ourselves. We’ve become a society that embraces the myth that talking wonderfully about ourselves is arrogant and self centered. Live a little! Sing your praises from the rooftop!

I challenge you to start focusing on what you’ve done well and to ask those around you what is going well for them. Start a positive focus revolution! Even with this one little movement it can change things so drastically for you. 

Many of my clients benefit from keeping a success log of things they have done well or right throughout the day. I know many people who talk about keeping a brag notebook or brag file. This is where they put anything that they did well, any compliment that they received, anything that they felt good about. If you don’t have one, I highly suggest you create one. 

5.     You Have the Power: I’m going to be perfectly honest with you for a moment. Yes, what you experienced may have massively sucked. It was likely even harmful and messed up.Taking up permanent residence in that pain and trauma, is not beneficial for your mental or physical health. You need to realize that you have power and you don’t have to live in that pain and trauma and suffering.

A powerful exercise I encourage my clients to engage in is to make a list of all of the things that they have control over in their lives. Because in reality, you really have control over so many of the things you engage in and do on a daily basis. 

It’s also important to have conversations around how frequently we give our power away without people even asking for our power. Frequently we give our power away and let other people control us when they don’t deserve that much power and control. 

6.     Challenge the Negative Committee: Many of us have this committee of voices inside of our heads that are armed and prepared to tear us apart at any given opportunity.

Not only is that not helpful it’s not even healthy. The next time your committee begins engaging in whatever negative diatribe it likes to create, I want you to do two things: the first thing is I want you to change the  voice to that silliest cartoon character that you know. You know the one that you just can not take seriously? Yes, that one! And every time that committee starts into it’s verbal attack, I want you to hear all of that in that silly cartoon voice. It will be difficult to take seriously. 

The second thing I want you to do is INSTANTLY reinforce the opposite. Each and every time you think something negative, I want you to reinforce the exact opposite. For example, if you have a thought that you are dumb, I want you to reinforce that you are smart. If you have a thought that you are alone, I am encouraging you to think that you have a positive support system.

I am sure that some of this feels a bit overwhelming. I recommend you break this down into bite size pieces.  I know you have what it takes to heal from this deep wound. Remember the wound wasn’t created in one instance, and it won’t be healed in one moment. Allow it to take time. 

I hope you find this information helpful. If you feel like you need assistance with healing from your abandonment issues, please reach out to some of our providers. Here’s where you can read more about them: https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/providers