Carrying the Mental Load: The “Work” of Relationships

Before moving in together, couples usually cover the big stuff—how to split finances, what their long-term goals are, and who’s taking care of which chores. It’s an exciting time, full of dreams and late-night talks about the future. It may even be a choice of practicality, one person's current lease is up and wouldn’t it be nice to be together all the time while also saving money?

But here’s the thing: it’s easy to overlook the less glamorous (yet very real) parts of sharing a home. Like that annoying, drippy faucet, who's going to notice it, care enough to do something about it, and either call a plumber or tackle it themselves?

And what about remembering birthdays, say, your mom’s? Who’s picking out the card and grabbing the gift? You're probably thinking, “Well, if it’s my mom, I’ll handle it. If it’s their mom, they will.”

But… did you actually talk about that?

A lot of what we expect from each other in relationships goes unspoken. We fall into patterns without even realizing it, and those quiet assumptions can build up over time. The little things—remembering appointments, replacing the toilet paper roll, managing social calendars—can sneakily become big sources of tension if left unaddressed.

One of the most common challenges couples face isn’t about money or chores—it’s the mental load. That invisible to-do list running in the background: remembering appointments, planning meals, organizing birthdays, noticing what needs to be done, and making sure it actually gets done. When one person ends up quietly managing most of it, it can create a serious imbalance, leaving them overwhelmed and the other often unaware it’s even happening.

Current research shows that women disproportionately carry the mental load within a relationship, on average handling 71 percent of the unseen work that is crucial to a smoothly running household. This mental load often builds up slowly over time, with no one noticing that one partner has somehow ended up managing the mental load, until one of you is exhausted and angry because your partner seems to have more free time than you do. 

Addressing the imbalance after it already exists seems like an impossible task. I hear people say, “Well, at this point, why would I ask my partner to do it? I’m just going to have to teach them how, and that will take more time than just doing it”. Another common refrain is “I’ve asked for help before and they never do”. In some ways, you’re right. It isn’t easy to change habits within a relationshi,p and it does take some extra work. You will likely have a bumpy period of adjustment that’s a bit uncomfortable. However, a little discomfort during the adjustment is better than a lifetime of feeling unseen, overburdened, and unappreciated. 

How Do We Change It?

The first step in changing unhealthy patterns in your relationship is to address the problem together. Healthy communication about your feelings, your desires, and how you would like things to change is key. Please note I said “healthy communication,” which means that looking at your partner while they are relaxing and you’re folding the third load of laundry and saying “I wish I had time to relax” in a sarcastic tone is not healthy communication. 

Healthy communication requires a couple of key components. First, a statement of feeling followed by what you may need at the moment. In the case of the laundry this might look something like “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need some help with the chores, can you fold the laundry while I go handle the dishes?”. 

What if my partner doesn’t respond to these kinds of statements? In the case where you have perhaps asked for assistance using an “I feel, I need” statement, and your partner is still unresponsive, you may need to have a deeper conversation about your values and why these things are important to you. Most of our behaviors, even around things as small as laundry, are driven by our values and dreams for the future. Understanding the unfulfilled needs and desires of your partner by leading with curiosity can change the way that you understand conflict within your relationship. 

Whether you've been together for one year or thirty, there’s always more to learn about your partner. People grow and change, and in long-term relationships, it’s easy to stop asking questions and fall into a routine. During the early stages, curiosity drives us, we want to know everything: how they think, what they love, what they hope for. But over time, those conversations can fade.

When we stop being curious, connection can stall. That’s when misunderstandings and distance start to creep in. Healthy communication means staying open, asking questions, and making space for who your partner is becoming. Curiosity helps us grow together, not apart.

If you and your partner are looking to build healthy communication skills and cultivate curiosity within your relationship, you may want to consider one of our 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work workshops. You can find more information by clicking the button below.