Avoidance in Therapy
Picture this…You’ve scoured the web trying to find the right therapist for you. You fill out all the pages of paperwork. You somehow find time in your busy schedule to make an appointment. You meet with your therapist and feel it’s a good fit. Hurray! You’ve gone to several weekly appointments. You sit on the couch and know you’re there to talk about the hard stuff. But you just can’t do it. You spend most of the session talking about small annoyances that happened during your day. Rinse and repeat. You feel stuck. You leave the sessions wondering why you can’t “go there.” You trust your therapist, you know they are there to support you. So, what’s the problem?
Sound familiar? If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. Most importantly, it’s not your fault. First, let's put a word to the problem. It’s called avoidance. Avoidance is an often subconscious way that a person changes their behavior to avoid thinking about, feeling, or doing difficult things. What’s more, avoidance is a way our brain tries to protect us to help us manage overwhelming emotions and memories. Unfortunately, our brains don’t know that by talking about big feelings and memories, we’re actually helping process them, which makes the big feelings smaller. All our brains know is that if we avoid the big thing, the big feelings go away for a while. What are avoidance behaviors anyway? They come in three kinds:
Cognitive: where we actively try to prevent or suppress thoughts and memories that make us uncomfortable
Behavioral: where we consciously or unconsciously avoid people, places, and situations that remind us of uncomfortable events
Emotional: where we bottle up feelings associated with hard memories and thoughts. (These can be feelings like sadness, fear, guilt, or anger)
Well, thanks for trying to protect us, brain. Right? Nope. Unfortunately, the longer we avoid the feelings and memories, the bigger the uncomfortable feelings get. Sigh. So, why do our brains want to help us avoid hard things?
Initial relief: The brain has picked up on the pattern that when we avoid the hard stuff, we do feel temporary, all be it short-term relief.
Protection: Our brain helps us feel safe and more in control when we steer clear of reminders of difficult memories.
Self-preservation: Avoidance can be one of the only ways we feel we can get the day-to-day tasks of life done.
Long-term avoidance can lead to, well, long-term problems. Increased anxiety and depression, increased conflict in relationships, social isolation, struggles with concentration and decision making, and feelings of hopelessness or feeling “stuck” are just some of the consequences of avoidance. How do we know that we’re engaging in avoidance? Some signs that your brain might be trying to “help” are:
Avoiding talking about specific topics
Missing or ending sessions early
Using our logical brain to focus on thoughts rather than feelings
Using vague language to describe emotions
Changing the subject frequently
Using jokes or sarcasm to minimize feelings (my personal favorite)
This can start to feel pretty hopeless. Some important things to keep in mind is that we ALL engage in avoidance behaviors in our daily lives. As I type this, I know I have a pile of laundry to fold. I also know that I’m going to procrastinate and convince myself that tomorrow feels like a better day to think about it. Second, avoidance is an incredibly common trauma response, and there are many different types of therapeutic approaches to help. Some types of therapy include:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Art Therapy
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Play Therapy
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT)
You’re not in this alone. A trauma-informed and trained therapist can help you find the right approach or combination of approaches for you. If you’re interested in learning more about avoidance and finding the right approach to help you through, click the button below!
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