The Hidden Enemy: How to Spot and Heal Shame (And Why You Need the Right Therapist)

Shame is tricky. It hides behind other feelings and behaviors. You might think you're just being "hard on yourself" or trying to be perfect. But shame is actually whispering lies like "you're not good enough" or "something is wrong with you."

Most people don't realize they're dealing with shame. They just feel heavy, small, or like they're broken somehow. The good news? You don't have to feel this way forever.

At The Mental Wellness Center, we talk about shame openly. We help people understand it and work through it. Because here's what we know: shame can be healed.

Shame is different from guilt. When you feel guilty, you think "I did something bad." When you feel shame, you think "I AM bad."

Shame makes you believe something is fundamentally wrong with you. It tells you that you're not worthy of love or belonging. These feelings often start in childhood, but they can develop at any age.

Shame loves secrets. It grows when we keep quiet about our struggles. And it pushes us away from other people, the very connections we need to heal. The way I define shame is it’s the thought or feeling of not being ______ enough and therefore unworthy of connection. You can fill that blank in with almost anything you desire. 

For some people, that blank is filled in with phrases like 'not pretty enough,' 'not wealthy enough,' 'not thin enough,' 'not sexy enough,' 'not smart enough,' 'not productive enough,' etc. This list could go on all day!

You might think, "I don't have shame issues." But shame doesn't always look obvious. Sometimes it's quiet and sneaky. It’s also crucial to remember that shame thrives when it’s kept a secret. It doesn’t like to be talked about. 

Here are some common signs of shame:

• You're really hard on yourself when you feel anxious or sad 

• You constantly compare yourself to others and never measure up 

• Compliments make you uncomfortable 

• You say "sorry" all the time, even when nothing is your fault 

• You have trouble saying "no" to people 

• You feel like something is wrong with you, but you can't figure out what

If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, you can get help.

You can't just think your way out of shame. Shame isn't just in your head - it lives in your body and nervous system too. It's connected to old memories and experiences. Especially if we have any early childhood experiences of being taught to keep it a secret. 

To truly heal shame, we need to work on different levels:

Body Work: Learning to feel safe in your own body again 

Brain Work: Changing the old patterns and memories that created shame

Belief Work: Developing new, healthier thoughts about yourself 

Relationship Work: Learning to connect with others in healthy ways

At The Mental Wellness Center, we use proven methods like: 

• EMDR therapy to help process difficult memories 

• Parts work to understand different aspects of yourself 

• Body-based techniques to calm your nervous system 

• Safe therapeutic relationships to practice connection

We don't just help you cope with shame. We help you transform it completely. Our long-term goal is to ultimately help you heal from shame.  Not all therapists know how to work with shame effectively. This isn’t meant to bash any therapists; however, if your therapist hasn’t done their own shame work, they are unlikely to be able to lead you on your healing journey.

Here's what to look for in a Shame Informed Therapist:

They don't make you feel broken. A good shame therapist sees your struggles as normal responses to difficult experiences, not as character flaws. They are also able to help you recognize what strengths you have regularly. 

They listen. You feel heard and understood, not judged or rushed. That feeling of having been seen and heard is such a healing experience for so many of our clients. 

They let you go at your own pace. No pressure to "get better faster" or do things you're not ready for. This is the foundation for regulation, and a step many clients and therapists miss. 

They understand your whole story. They know that shame affects people differently based on their background, culture, and identity. 

They've done their healing work. You can tell when a therapist is comfortable with difficult emotions. They stay calm and present when you share hard things. When a therapist hasn’t done their shame healing work, they will regularly experience being dysregulated in session by the content. 

You don't have to carry shame around like a heavy backpack for the rest of your life. You don't have to keep proving you're worthy or hiding your pain. You also don’t need to carry the deadly secretness of shame. 

Healing is possible. All you need to do is find a shame informed provider.  We see healing happen every day at The Mental Wellness Center.

Whether you've been struggling with shame for years or you're just now realizing it's been affecting you, we can help. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve connection and belonging.

You're not too much trouble. You're not too late to change. And you're not alone in this. You deserve to have solid and deep connection and you are enough! No matter what you fill that blank in with.

Check out our providers here: