Boundaries and Distress Tolerance: The Foundation of Secure Attachment

Your child is not “too much.” And you are not failing because setting limits feels hard.

As a child and family therapist, I sit with many loving parents who are exhausted, not because they don’t care, but because holding boundaries feels uncomfortable. It’s usually not the rule that’s hard. It’s our kiddos' reaction to the rule. The tears, yelling, and meltdown in a public place often makes the nervous system say, “Make this stop.” The part we don’t say enough is that secure attachment is not built by preventing distress. It’s built by being connected through it. Attachment theory tells us that children develop security when caregivers are both emotionally present and stable. Attuned means we notice and acknowledge our kiddos' feelings. Stable means we don’t disappear, escalate, or collapse when those feelings get big. Boundaries are part of that balance.

When we say, “I won’t let you have more screen time,” or “It’s bedtime,” or “We’re not buying that today,” you’re not damaging attachment. You’re creating predictability, and predictability calms the nervous system. What strains attachment isn’t a calm boundary; it’s inconsistency. When the answer changes depending on how loud they get or if we shut down or explode because the distress seems overwhelming. This is where distress tolerance becomes essential.

Distress tolerance is the ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions, yours and your child’s, without racing to eliminate them. It means allowing disappointment. Allowing frustration. Allowing anger. It signifies recognizing that your child’s tears are not a threat to the relationship. In attachment language, you are teaching: “I can have big feelings, and my caregiver stays.” Many of us didn’t grow up with adults who could tolerate our emotions. So when our child cries, our body interprets it as a threat. But a child crying because you said no is not harm. It’s actually a helpful developmental milestone. Secure attachment isn’t about avoiding distress. It’s about what happens during it. Can your child experience you as present and consistent, even when the boundary is in place?

“I see you’re disappointed, AND (the most helpful word in boundary setting) we’re still leaving the park.” Assurance and limits can, and should, exist together. Over time, when you stay regulated enough, your child learns to regulate with you. That’s how self-regulation develops and how resilience grows.

There’s another part to this: sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn’t our child’s attachment style, it’s our own. If you feel worried or anxious when your kiddo is upset, loosen boundaries, or feel intense guilt when they’re disappointed, that can reflect anxious attachment patterns. Your system may have learned that conflict equals disconnection. If you notice yourself minimizing emotions or feeling irritated by big feelings, that can reflect avoidant patterns. Your system may have learned that emotions are overwhelming or unsafe. Neither pattern makes you a bad parent. These are nervous system habits. The good news is, habits can change! Every time you hold a boundary and remain emotionally present, you’re not just shaping your child’s attachment; you're shaping your own.

Parenting often brings unfinished attachment work to the surface. The toddler tantrum that feels bigger than it “should” or the teenage eye roll that hits us more than we expected. Most of the time, it’s not only about the moment that’s actively happening, but it’s also about old patterns getting activated. Secure attachment isn’t built by perfection. It’s built by repair. By consistency. By a parent willing to progress alongside their child. When you can say, “I see you. The boundary stands AND I’m here,” you are doing powerful attachment work. And if you’re reading this and reflecting, you’re already right where you need to be.

If you’re interested in learning more about boundaries and how to set them, click here: https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/intake. 

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