What No One Tells You About Grieving the Loss of a Child
When your child dies, it can feel as though the world under your feet has shattered and that nothing will ever be the same. The life you’ve known is no longer your reality, and the future you had dreamt of is no longer possible. The questions of how you are supposed to continue on the rise, what you are supposed to do now, and whether you are still a parent can begin to cross your mind.
Life as a bereaved parent is challenging.
The invisible weight of grief can be tied to guilt, remorse, disbelief, and a heaviness that comes with the ache of missing a child forever frozen in time. This type of grief is so often not spoken about because it’s hard for others to empathize and understand the weight of moving through life without a child. It’s an uncomfortable space to exist in, and yet for those who know this type of loss, know that it is truly unlike any other grief they’ve experienced.
Here are some things that no one tells you about grieving the loss of a child:
People will avoid your grief. For some, their support system won’t know what to do after the funeral, memorial service, or burial. The idea of a child dying is uncomfortable, and some people don’t know how to respond when a child has died. People will avoid saying the name of your child, thinking that by doing so, they are keeping you from feeling the pain of your loss. As if saying the name of your child is a reminder that they have died. In some cases, this can cause bereaved parents to begin to mask and say they are ‘okay’ to help those around them feel more comfortable.
People will say the wrong things, and it’s okay for you to correct them. If someone says something that feels invalidating, it’s okay for you to correct them. The death of a child isn’t something that is often heard of, and people aren’t sure how to approach it. When someone says something harmful to your grieving, it’s okay to speak up.
Grief is not linear; it is messy. There is not a timeline your grief will follow that will have a marked finish line. While the first year is the hardest, the preceding years will still hold a place for your grief.
The grief doesn’t get smaller, but your life will continue to grow around it. This is not something that can be fixed. Your life is not the same; your child has died. This is the reality of the situation, and there is nothing that can be done to fix it. As the months and years progress, there will be times that come when your sorrow is just as intense as the day your child died, and that’s okay. There isn’t something wrong; it’s the reality of the situation.
You may experience anger and jealousy. Being angry at the unfairness that your child died, while others still have their children. Feeling jealous of people who complain about their children, while you would give anything for your child to be in your arms. Feelings of anger toward yourself, and second-guessing what you could have done differently to save your child.
The way your grief presents in yourself can shift. Feelings of anger, hurt, and disbelief may be present, but you can also experience joy, pride, and gratitude for your child and their life can exist within your grief. Having a wide range of emotions is not only acceptable, but it’s expected.
The milestones will hurt. When their birthdays come around, the anniversary of their death, but also the unforeseen ones. When they should have started kindergarten, a religious ceremony, or a time celebrated in your culture or family. Though your child is not here, time does not stop. Give yourself the space to grieve these lost moments and honor yourself as a parent to the child you have lost.
Being around children at the age or stage your child should have been can provoke your grief. The knowledge of how old your child would have been doesn’t stop. Giving yourself space and acknowledging that you’re having a grief response is not weird or wrong.
You’re still a parent. Even if others have forgotten or stopped acknowledging your child, they were still real. They were still here. And they still existed. On the days it’s hard to say their name out loud, or visiting their grave site is unbearable, you’re still their parent.
Your love doesn’t end with their death. Your love lives on in the memories you hold of your child, and those are precious. Show your love in whatever way is best for you. Holding onto those memories and creating ways to express your love is whatever you feel is best for you.
Why might a support group be right for you? Grieving the loss of a child is deeply personal and can feel isolating. Others don’t understand the pain you’ve experienced and cannot begin to understand the depths and range of emotions you’re experiencing. Having a space to share without judgment with others who can relate to your story and the identity of being a beavered parent can begin to pave the new path your life has now taken.
If you're looking for a space to grieve and be witnessed, learn more about our grief group for parents.
