Love Triangles: Exploring the Three Core Components of LovePart Two: Passion

In part one of this blog series, I introduced Dr. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, the idea that love is developed from three core components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Today, we’re turning up the heat and diving into passion, that electrifying energy that most people associate with romance.

When we think about what sets a romantic relationship apart from, say, your ride-or-die bestie or your beloved cat, it’s usually passion.

That deep, magnetic pull toward another person, often sizzling with sexual energy, is what gets our hearts racing and our brains all fuzzy. Passion is the stuff of steamy movie montages and those ca n’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other moments.

But here’s where things get juicy: the questions I hear most about passion are less about how it starts and more about how to keep it from fizzling out.

People ask, “Is passion actually sustainable?”, “How do we keep the spark alive?”, and “Can we get back what we had in the beginning?”

These are all great questions, and the answers?

Well, they depend a lot on how you define what passion actually is. Spoiler alert: it might not look the same at year five as it did in week five… and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Passion

Before we really get to passion, let’s talk about limerence.

Limerence is the sensation that most people experience in the beginning of a relationship, that tingling, heart-racing feeling that most people associate with passion. One of the reasons that limerence feels so intense and intrusive is that there continues to be some anxiety or uncertainty around the relationship, which drives the passion up.

The longer you are committed, the less likely that limerence is going to continue, with most studies saying this phase lasts about 18 months to 2 years.

So, what do we do after two years? Is the passion inevitably going to dry up and leave us feeling unfulfilled? The answer to that is most assuredly no, but it may look different. 

Passion doesn’t just come from physical desire; it can be sparked in all kinds of ways, and some of them we can engineer on purpose.

According to psychologist Robert Sternberg (aka the love triangle guy), romantic passion in long-term relationships naturally tends to ebb and flow.

The good news? You can actually do something about those low tides.

One powerful way to nudge passion back into motion? Appreciation.

I said it, showing appreciation is basically a secret superpower for romance.

And no, it’s not just about “thanks for doing the dishes” (though hey, that counts too).

It’s noticing the small ways your partner makes your life better. Complimenting the way they look. Acknowledging the thoughtful stuff they do that makes you feel seen and cared for. 

Who would’ve guessed that saying nice things could actually be… sexy? (Full sarcasm intended.)

Developing passion can also mean leaning into the physical and exploring what works for your partner.

So many of us are really uncomfortable talking about….(sex), but how do you know what leaves your partner thinking about you for days after without actually asking? You can make this playful or serious, but I encourage couples who are struggling in the passion department to talk to their partner about what might….reignite the spark. You may even be surprised at some of their answers. 

If passion is still an area you feel like you’re struggling with, I recommend a few resources. Come As You Are, a book written by Dr.Emily Nagosk,i and the Pillow Talks podcast with Vanessa and Xander Marin are both excellent resources. 

If you feel like you need something more personalized, you can find relationship counseling here: https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/relationship-counseling