The Power of Compassionate Communication
By Jenn Bovee, LCSW, CRADC, CCTPII, CCHt
EMDRIA Certified
EMDRIA Consultant In Training
In a world where words have the power to uplift or wound, mastering the art of compassionate communication is more important than ever. Compassion is defined as the ability to recognize the suffering of others and then take action to help. Compassion embodies a tangible expression of love for those who are suffering. And oftentimes, it’s crucial for us to include ourselves in the grouping of people who are suffering. Compassionate communication goes beyond mere words; it's a way of connecting with others on a deeper level, fostering understanding, resolving conflicts, and nurturing relationships. In this blog, we'll delve into what compassionate communication is, why it matters, and how you can cultivate this skill in your everyday interactions.
Compassionate communication, similar to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) or empathetic communication, is a communication style that emphasizes empathy, understanding, and mutual respect. Nonviolent Communication was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg and is rooted in the belief that every individual's needs and feelings are valid and deserving of acknowledgment. The primary goal of compassionate communication is to foster understanding and connection by surpassing judgments and blame.
Most people who embody compassionate communication live by the four tenets of this communication style. This way of communicating takes time, effort, energy, and an understanding regarding what you want to focus on when communicating. Those four tenets include observation, feeling, need, and request. Let’s look at each of these a bit closer.
1. Observation: In order to engage in compassionate communication, we really need to begin by describing the situation or behavior without judgment. This can be a tough journey for many people because judging ourselves and others has become a way of life. Observation involves stating what you see or hear, and avoiding interpretations or evaluations. For example, "I noticed that the report was submitted after the deadline." In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, they spend a lot of time talking about just noticing the details devoid of any judgment.
2. Feeling: Express your emotions without attributing them to someone else's actions. Use feeling words to describe how the situation affects you emotionally. For instance, "I felt disappointed when the report was submitted after the deadline." When many people are in the early stages of beginning to communicate their feelings, they implement I-messages. The I-message formula is I feel _____(insert feeling word)____, when you ____ (name the behavior)____ Because ____ (Why do you feel this way), Next time please ____(request for change)______.
3. Need: Identify the underlying needs or values that are driving your feelings. These are the fundamental desires that motivate our actions and emotions. In the example, the need could be for punctuality and effective teamwork. Getting in touch with your feelings can be very challenging, especially as many of us have been taught to suppress and ignore our feelings. Recognizing that we have feelings is such a huge part of the healing and connection journey.
4. Request: Make a clear and actionable request that addresses your needs and seeks a positive change. It's important to frame the request positively and avoid demands or ultimatums. For instance, "Could we work together to ensure future reports are submitted on time?" It’s imperative to begin by giving yourself permission to make requests from other people in your life. Other human beings can not know our needs, desires, or preferences without us communicating those things to them.
It’s important to pause this blog for a moment and explore why it is relevant to use compassionate communication. Compassionate communication removes any assumptions or innuendos. Compassionate communication allows people to put themselves in a position to communicate in a way that allows each person to feel heard and understood. The key rationale behind compassionate communication includes building connections, resolving conflict, fostering empathy, and encouraging openness. Let’s dig into each of these a little bit more.
Building Connection: Compassionate communication creates an atmosphere of trust and understanding, which is essential for building strong and healthy relationships, both personal and professional.
Resolves Conflicts: By focusing on needs rather than blame, compassionate communication helps de-escalate conflicts and encourages collaborative problem-solving. It also eliminates the potential for problematic communication styles including name-calling, projecting blame, and making accusations.
Fosters Empathy: When we communicate compassionately, we actively listen to others and seek to understand their feelings and needs. This promotes empathy and strengthens our ability to connect with others on a meaningful level. Functioning from a place of empathy puts us in a position to seek understanding rather than placing blame.
Encourages Openness: People are more likely to express themselves honestly when they feel they won't be judged or criticized. Compassionate communication provides a safe space for open and authentic dialogue. Compassionate communication gives people the ability to choose to explore what they are really hoping to communicate.
I would be remiss if I didn’t also provide you with a way to begin implementing compassionate communication. My biggest recommendation is to remember that it’s a journey, not a destination. Please be graceful towards yourself when you are in the beginning stages of implementing compassionate communication. My biggest recommendations for beginning to use compassionate communication include: developing self-awareness, utilizing active listening, increasing your empathy, using I statements, and focus on your patience. Let’s explore each of these a bit further:
Self-Awareness: Start by becoming aware of your own feelings and needs. This self-awareness will help you communicate your thoughts and emotions more effectively. Part of the self-awareness process also involves identifying when you are more regulated versus dysregulated. Focus on communicating from a regulated perspective.
Active Listening: Give your full attention when someone is speaking. Listen not just to their words, but also to the emotions and needs behind those words. Active listening also includes truly pausing and focusing on what someone else is presenting and not working to prepare your own rebuttal or perspective.
Empathy: Empathy is often described as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. In regard to compassionate communication, my recommendation is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. I also encourage you to work to try and understand the other person’s perspective and feelings without judgment.
Use "I" Statements: An “I” message can help you communicate your frustrations, emotions, feelings, needs, and perspective without intentionally or unintentionally blaming another person or sounding threatening or manipulative. The “I” message empowers you to get your point across without making the listener feel defensive or shut down. Frame your communication using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs, rather than making accusatory statements.
Practice Patience: Compassionate communication requires practice. Some of the best ways to practice patience is to slow down, get comfortable with being uncomfortable, reframe the issues, and work to get regulated. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this new way of interacting.
In a world that often feels divided and disconnected, compassionate communication offers a ray of hope. By embracing this approach, we can bridge the gap between individuals, foster understanding, and work together to create a more empathetic and harmonious society. Whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or even in our broader communities, the power of compassionate communication has the potential to transform the way we relate to one another.
If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with a therapist at The Mental Wellness Center, Inc please reach out to us at Info@TheMentalWellnessCenter.com or call us at 309-807-5077.